Apryl’s Helpful Holiday Drinking Guide

I won’t take credit for creating this, especially if you’re someone who’s still black and blue from hitting rockbottom.  On the other hand, if there’s a drink in it, you may want to take a closer look.  For those of us who are teetering on the brink of the miry pit, the gales of laughter induced from reading this might be just enough to send you over the edge.  Cheers to you!  Let the wassailing begin!

 

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Complain about poor house training of nearest dog.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth

 

Logical Alcohol Warning Labels

1.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.

2.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a fool.

3.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMACK YOUR HEAD.

4.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.

8.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

9.  WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named “Phsycho."

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible (or invincible).

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

[More funny business here.]

Write a comment

Comments: 2
  • #1

    judi kruis (Monday, 14 December 2009 18:54)

    thanks for the laughter. I haven't watched that show in years!!!

  • #2

    Anna (Sunday, 30 May 2010 14:44)

    You missed these:
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you say things you would normally know better not to say.
    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think people are interested in what you actually have to say.
    Yes, I know it sounds bitter.


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