For Better or Worse: A Wet Blanket for the Hopeless Romantic

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of NASS or USDA. This report was prepared for unlimited distribution to the research community outside the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  It’s not meant to be taken seriously, so there.

 

 

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

 

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

 

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

 

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland


A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. – Guitry

 

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. – Victor Borge

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie

 

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

 

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates

 

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

 

Do not marry a tennis player; love means nothing to them.

 

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

 

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

 

Feminists are OK; I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

 

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 

Here lies my wife in earthy mould, when she lived did naught but scold.

Good friends go softly in your walking, lest she should wake and rise up talking.

 

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

 

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

 

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

 

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-age couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. – Tynan

 

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

 

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

 

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

 

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

 

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. – Chekhov

 

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

 

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

 

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

 

It's true that all men are born free and equal, and then some of them get married.

 

Joint Checking Account: a handy little device that permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

 

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde

 

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

 

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

 

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

 

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

 

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

 

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

 

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

 

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

 

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

 

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly

 

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

 

May you never leave your marriage alive.

 

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken

 

My darling wife was always glum.

I drowned her in a cask of rum,

And so made sure that she would stay,

In better spirits night and day.

 

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

 

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

 

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

 

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke

 

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac

 

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

 

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, and that English women only hope to find in their butlers.

 

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

 

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

 

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

 

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

 

The happiest marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge

 

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx

 

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

 

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

 

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavran

 

There was a man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

 

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

 

There was a man who said that he would go through hell for his lover. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

 

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

 

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a man who is married for 10-years looks happy, we wonder why.

 

To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the marriage cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash

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