Making Babies: The FAQs (you never thought to ask)

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.

Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when 1 got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labor-saving device.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. 1 normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My blood type is 0-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type A13-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes
For big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this
true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what your doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Cause your fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on
labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month or pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Brute force.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
But pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out your pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only --- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers .

Q. Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields?
A. Not on purpose.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

 

THE TODDLER MIRACLE DIET  Courtesy of Liz Tornboline
... for you postnatal mums who want to lose a pound or two: toddlers can look slim and healthy, why not follow their diet?!

Day One
Breakfast:  1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast and jam. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers, then throw the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast., then smear jam over your face and clothes.
Lunch:  4 crayons (any colour), a handful of crisps, and a glass of milk(take three sips and spill the rest).
Dinner:  1 breadstick, 4 sips of left over tea (cold), and anything you can find down the back of the sofa.

Day Two
Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast from the floor, eat it and wash it down with water from the cat's bowl.
Lunch:  Half a stick of 'Ruby Red' lipstick and a dog chew.  One ice lolly.
Dinner:  1 marble which should be pushed up the nose if possible.  Blackcurrant juice poured over fishfingers and mashed potato (mix well).

Day Three
Breakfast:  Bowl of cornflakes with milk. Eat with fingers, rub into hair.
Lunch:  Cheese and pickle sandwich. Open it, eat the pickle with your fingers, suck the cheese and throw it at the cat. 1 banana. Eat half of it and mash the rest into the table with your fists.  Throw the skin into a dark corner to fossilise.
Dinner:  1 piece of fruit. Take several bites, chew it, and spit it onto the table - laugh hysterically. Wash down with milk containing spat out fruit.

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